| Promo |
[31 Jul 2007|07:09pm] |
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) sous_alimente is a newish ED community, one of those restricted-access, no-wannas communities, only it's actually fairly active. Join! Yay!
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| Cheating? |
[26 Nov 2005|09:15pm] |
I've been losing weight lately, but I've been doing drugs and drinking a lot and eating terribly. I'm not counting calories or eating small, healthy meals; I'm just not eating much. What I do eat is rarely healthy. I feel like this is "cheating" or something, like I'm breaking the Anorexic Code. I'm like Mary-Kate!
I looked at myself topless in the mirror the other day and thought, "Damn, I'm skinny!"
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| Chicken |
[11 Nov 2005|04:58am] |
I really, really hate chicken. It grosses me out more than any other meat. I'm fine with it if it's removed from the bone and heavily processed, but otherwise it disgusts me.
Have you ever examined a chicken wing or leg? It consists of:
skin
f-t
muscle
veins
tendons
bone
So that is why I don't eat chicken.
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| miso soup! |
[01 Nov 2005|10:42pm] |
Ha, seems I'm always advertising my favorite foods in this journal. Oh well, here goes. My NEW favorite food is miso soup. So good. So instant. Only 35 calories per packet. This is the one I get:
Yummilicious. I eat it every single day. Available in the Asian food section of your local supermarket.
* * *
Still losing weight slowly. Still not small enough.
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| new icon + whining |
[04 Oct 2005|08:47am] |
I'm updating to show off the new icon I finally made for this journal. Diet Coke + veggies + yogurt = Joce.
I'm so ... um, not f-t exactly ... well, unemaciated, and it disgusts me. I feel very medium -- I'm roughly halfway between my normal, pre-ED weight and my anorexic low weight. I'm also halfway between someone with the disease of anorexia and someone who calls herself Ana. Medium.
TK said I look like a little thinner than a normal skinny person, and I trust her honesty because right before that she said something semi-insulting about my teeth. This is just not good enough.
I've been losing weight really s l o w l y. I have no dedication or willpower. Plus I'm really, really bored, but at the same time too scared to leave the house or talk to anyone. So I spend my days watching old Simpsons/Seinfeld/Friends/Law & Order reruns and rereading the same books over and over again. And I play this stupid game on my cell phone, Snood, about a trillion times a day. Thank god at least I have my computer set up so I can be entertained by LJ.
My other problem is that there's no Joce Food in this fucking house. And I'm too scared to go to the grocery store. My birthday trip to Memphis took a lot out of me; in the past two weeks I've left the house once, for less than an hour.
I guess overall I'm not doing so well. I've been depressed since my birthday. And before, when I was anorexic, I could aloways say, "Well, Jocelyn, you may be a failure at life, but at least you're good at being skinny." Now I'm worthless AND fat unemaciated.
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| Community promo |
[27 Sep 2005|01:29am] |
That is exactly what I want to look like, too.
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| My new favorite thing |
[22 Jul 2005|03:41am] |
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 bouncy |
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Ha, this icon looks NOTHING like me now.
I've found the world's perfect food.
Dannon Carb Control "yogurt." (It doesn't meet USDA standards for live and active cultures, so it's not technically yogurt, but it looks and tastes like yogurt and is found in the yogurt aisle.)
The Vanilla Creme flavor is drool-worthy, very creamy. It has 60 calories and yet is as filling as a meal. It's probably the only reason I don't weigh 200 lbs right now. Actually, I am down to 98 lbs, which is my anorexic weight (85% of my normal weight, which was 115 or maybe 117 or something). I feel a lot better than I did a week and a half ago, when I was 100 lbs of flab. I've been exercising.
My boobs have been bothering me lately. They're more than a B cup, and that's just too big. It's obscene. I need to lose a lot of weight off my chest. At my LW they were a nice A. I need to lose weight off my face, chest, arms, hands, waist, butt, hips, thighs, calves and ankles, and then I'll be perfect. Ha.
I have no clothes that fit. All my clothes are either a size 6 (from when I was normal) or a size 0 (from when I was anorexic). Right now I'm a size 2. And then I go shopping, but instead of buying clothes that fit, I buy more size 0s and think that I'll shrink into them soon. Also I'm stretching out all my little T-shirts with my enormous boobs.
(Ha ha, I put that my mood was "bouncy" in reference to my boobiliciousness.)
<3 Me
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| Soup, plus weight rambling |
[20 Apr 2005|06:33am] |
My new discovery? Campbell's Chunky and Select soups. You're not supposed to dilute them, but I do. I add low-sodium chicken broth (5 cals per cup, and it's loaded with potassium). I make one can into three servings. There are a ton of varieties that are only 200-250 cals per can -- chicken with vegetables and pasta, beef pot roast, etc. Huge chunks of meat and vegetables. It's like real food.
I weigh approximately 102.9 lbs, by my calculations. I'm actually closer to my HW (120) than my LW (82.5). Disgusting. I'm working on short goals. I want to get under 100. My anorexic weight is 97-100 lbs, since that's 85% of my normal weight (114-117 lbs). Right now I am only 10-12% underweight. My tits and ass are huge.
My bigger plans:
Stop menstruating again
Lose 10-20 lbs by the time I move to Mississippi (in 2-2.5 months)
Get down to 80 lbs by my birthday (September 18th)
Once I reach 80, maintain weight within a 3-pound range for 3 months, for health purposes
~Joce
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| No, I haven't abandoned this journal |
[19 Mar 2005|01:35pm] |
I seem to have lost the ability to eat. It's just too damn hard. I have almost nothing at my apartment that doesn't take time and effort to prepare, because that way I can't binge. But it just seems like too much effort, so I don't eat anything but small servings of fruit, and then I get too hungry and end up going over to my parents'.
My parents' house, of course, has tons of f--d that's easy to eat. They also have my "diet" binge f--ds -- stuff like light, no-sugar-added ice cream and Multi-Grain Cheerios. And they have plenty of high-calorie crap. So I eat thousands of calories there, fall asleep in a f--d coma, wake up and eat more, fall asleep again ... blech.
It makes no sense. I won't eat one of my diet frozen dinners because they're too many calories (120-350) and too much effort, yet I'll drive over to my parents' and consume thousands of calories?
I'm trying to eat more here so I don't get tempted to go over there. I don't know. I no longer have the will to make any of my cute little meals or overly complicated salads. I went grocery shopping with my dad today and got some yogurt and some soups. I found a bunch of Campbell's Chunky soups with ~100 cals per serving, two servings per can. I got a big variety.
Jess is coming back from break like tomorrowish, and we're going to the rec center. I don't know what we'll do there. Maybe play racquetball. It's like tennis, only indoors and insane. I like the aerobics classes, but it seems like everyone already has the routines memorized and I'm the only one struggling with the steps.
For awhile my mom and I went to a yoga/pilates class, and that was fun because she's much less flexible and able to follow instructions than me, so I didn't look like the class retard. Plus it was at a local gym instead of the university rec, so there were a lot of old, f-t, out-of-shape ladies to make me look good.
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| 83.99 |
[11 Feb 2005|05:56am] |
Can't sleep. But too tired to do anything, like, productive. That's what happens when I restrict severely for several days. I don't have any other physical side effects, because I drink plenty of water, get tons of potassium, and eat some protein. It's just the sleep.
Bingeing is the best sleeping pill. A 3,000+ calorie binge will knock me out for 12-24 hours. I'm still wary of sleeping pills even though it was part of my New Year's Diet Plan/Resolutions to stop fearing them.
* * *
The fruit dilemma:
Fruit is too high in sugar and calories for the relatively small amount of nutritional value it provides (vitamins and stuff I already get in pill form, potassium I get in salt substitute form, and some fiber). But I like it. And I deprive myself of a LOT, so is it really so bad to indulge myself in the occasional small, 35-calorie nectarine? Same problem with my hot cocoa/coffee. I want to get maximum nutritional value out of minimum calories, but I also need to indulge myself a tiny bit to prevent bingeing.
This is all rhetorical, by the way. It's just something I obsess and feel guilty over. I'll keep my pathetic little pleasures, but I'll also keep obsessing and feeling guilty. That's the trade-off.
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| lame, part 2 |
[10 Feb 2005|08:29pm] |
My mom promised not to get me any candy for V Day. I guess my parents are pretty "enabling" of my ED. My dad foud out about my ED (and told my mom) last spring when I fell asleep and left up some shit on my dad's comp about pro-ana. Yes, so stupid, so obvious. I told them my biggest problem was that I binged and made myself vomit till I coughed up blood. This was somewhat true at the time. It was also the most manipulative thing I've ever done. I guess they're accommodating of my diet because they want me to eat without purging.
***
I've really lost my taste for chocolate. Candy is gross. I don't mind a little cocoa flavor, like mocha coffees, but solid chocolate is just nasty to me now. It's weird, because I'll still chow down on nasty shit like ice cream, pizza, and cold sausage, but I'm grossed out by two thing: fried chicken and chocolate.
I actually like cheese a lot more now than when I was "normal." And I have more of a sweet tooth, excluding the chocolate. I like more aspartame in my coffee than I used to, etc. Other than that my tastes are pretty much the same.
I'm an orthorexic wannabe, y'all. Orthorexia's not an official ED; it's an OCD fixation on eating "pure" and healthfully. I have a lot of orthorexic traits, but they totally fall apart when I'm in hard-core binge mode.
If/when I go into maintenance phase, I want to eat a happy little balanced diet of fresh fruit, veggies, whole grains, lean protein, and unsaturated f-ts. Well, I don't want to eat ANY f-t, but I have to, so it should definitely be the unhydrogenated, unsaturated type. I think I'll be able to maintain at an average of 1,200 calories a day, which is an obscenely large amount.
I am looking forward to being able to eat sandwiches (50-cal whole wheat bread, light mayo, mustard, veggies, non-f-t cheese, thinly sliced lean turkey, ham, or tuna) again. I miss bread in general, but I can eat a loaf at a time, so it's banned.
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| this is so lame |
[10 Feb 2005|07:48pm] |
I was just thinking about last Valentine's Day. I bought a very small box of sugar-free chocolates that didn't have the calorie content labelled. I ate them during non-business hours, and then called the company the next day to ask about the calories (yes, I'm crazy like that). The fucking things were like 60 cals per penny-sized nugget!
That was before I knew about "sugar alcohols." They're the stupidest fucking thing -- they're slightly lower-cal than sugar, and don't affect your blood sugar, so they get to be considered sugar-free. What happened to saccarhin, Spenda and aspartame? Sugar substitutes should be non-caloric, goddammit. I'm sick of low-carb/sugar-free shit that has MORE calories than the sugary stuff.
I really need to start my own line of diet products. I bake yummy sweet things with Splenda, egg whites, and Lighter Bake -- it's this butter/oil substitute that has 82% fewer cals than butter/margarine and no f-t. It's made from apples and plums.
My own line of diet products would be really good too, since while my diet is extremely healthy and dietician-approved, it's actually kind of inappropriate for me. It's the kind of diet good for overweight people with high blood pressure and cholesterol. I need more protein and f-t, but it's so hard to do while not adding calories. Argh.
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[09 Feb 2005|12:53am] |
Ate a fuckload at my parents' over the weekend. This means I don't have to raise my daily calories after all. I'm relieved, honestly. Eating is hard. I swear, if I weren't so health-conscious, I'd just drink my loverly hot drink all day:
1 tsp sugar-free General Foods International "Suisse Mocha"
2 tsps f-t-free, low-sugar Nestle hot cocoa
dash potassium salt (goes on everything but water)
packet aspartame
hot water
1 Tbsp skim milk
=20 calories
Delicious, but it's a bit lacking in nutritional value.
I honestly don't get how anyone eats 2,000 calories a day. I can eat 2,000 calories in 20 minutes, but not spread out over the course of a day. Even for years before my ED, I never ate that much because I got more than half my calories from sugary cappuccino drinks (and felt like shit ALL THE TIME because of my fucked-up blood sugar).
Trying to eat more f-t ...
Note to Jess: We need to get together soonish. I have fresh strawberries with which I can make my freakishly low-cal cheesecake for you. (The cheesecake is a mix of f-t-free cream cheese and aspartame, with T. Marizetti's sugar-free strawberry glaze. Will make you feel guilty and confused, since it tastes so much like an actual, f-ttening dessert.)
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| 83.77, baby!!!!! |
[31 Jan 2005|03:23pm] |
January could not have gone any better. Seriously, that was the best diet month of my life. I wanted to lose 4.5-7 lbs; I lost 6.23 lbs. I added f-t. I got my bingeing 90% under control. Expect lots of mathematical analysis in the next few days. I analyze my eating habits by day, week, month, and series of months. I'm an English major; I shouldn't even know how to add, yet I've been getting more and more obsessed with math. I'll almost fit in with Jess' friends soon!
Doctor's appointment in half an hour. Then grocery shopping, then my parents' house. I'm going over there at least twice this week, because I can't cram that many calories and that much f-t into one night.
So weird, most of last year I was obsessed with trying to eat less, now I have to eat MORE.
Jess asked, so here are my reasons for upping my calories:
1) My health. Losing a big percentage of my body weight in just a few months is not good. If I can taper the weight loss a little, I'll be a lot better off physically.
2) I'm afraid that if I over-restrict I'll set off another many-months-long binge/purge cycle.
3) I need to maintain eventually. I can't get any professional help no matter how hard I beg, and my parents are cheap bastards, so I can't depend on anyone to lock me up if I get out of control and near-death. No one will protect me from anorexia, from myself, so it's up to me. If I increase my calories gradually over the next few months, I should be able to maintain a relatively reasonable weight of 75 lbs.
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| 84.37, again |
[30 Jan 2005|04:41pm] |
I was obsessing about dinner at my parents'. I don't want to eat crap, but if I don't eat some crap, I will have to raise my calories and especially f-t for the rest of the week, which will be really hard. So I was thinking that I have to eat somewhere between 1,000 and 1,200 calories at their place. I don't have that kind of self-control!
Solution: I can go there, be good, then take a canister of mixed nuts home with me. The nuts will perfectly balance out my calories and unsaturated f-t for the week, and I won't go into my weird binge-y place where chocolate cake seems like a good idea.
Last Monday, I took home about 10 almonds. I crushed them and have been adding them to my salads and oatmeal. I figure a half teaspoon of crushed nuts is about 10 calories. I don't know how accurate that is, but it's good enough for me.
I could even go to the grocery store and buy some cashews and some diet ice cream to mix, which would be very delicious, and also amusing since Jess was just bitching to me about how stupid diet ice cream is. Diet ice cream is one of the few diet f--ds that tastes much, much worse than the original.
This is insane. It would be so much easier if it was just about trying to eat as few calories as possible, but noooo, I have to be obsessed about my stupid health. (An obsession that relates only to diet and nutrition; I still smoke two packs a day despite recurrent lung infections, difficulty breathing, and coughing up an enormous amount of brown snot every morning.)
I'm likely going to come in at just over 700 calories average for the month of January. February I have to kick up to 750-900 cals average, to lose 4-5 lbs and no more.
I was planning to lower my metabolic rate in my calculations (it's currently 1,400 calories a day, based on almost a year of obsessive study. This is neither a slow metabolism nor a fast metabolism; it's about average for a 21-year-old girl who is 5'7.5", weighs 80-some lbs, and sits on her bony ass all day).
Instead, I am going to force myself to do 150 crunches a day. I need to start doing them again, because otherwise I can feel a lot my internal organs, and they're squishy and weird. I can also substitute push-ups and stretches in this formula: 1 girl push-up=5 crunches; 1 boy push-up: 10 crunches; stretching, depending on intensity and length of time, =10-30 crunches.
Whine: I am so misshapen! I've been at this weight twice before (last Feb. and Sept.), and my chest bones are popping out more than they used to, yet my midsection and thighs are much bigger. I'm basing this on measurements, too, not my perception. I know I've lost a lot of muscle, too, which was intentional, but it makes me look f-tter.
Whine 2: My stomach is hideously distended. My waist measurement is freakish and out-of-proportion. On Monday I'm going to my doctor, and I'm going to make her prescribe me safe prescription laxatives. I have a semi-recommendation from the gastroenterologist I saw back in the fall, so she should let me have 'em.
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| 84.37 |
[30 Jan 2005|10:23am] |
Going to my parents on Monday. Since it's after 6 p.m., and that's when my days end in terms of calorie-counting, it will officially be February and not fuck January's totals.
I'm making dinner, which will of course be freakishly low-cal. Chinese f--d. I won't eat the rice, which is 267 cals per cup, nutritionally mediocre, and an appetite stimulant. Here are my recipes*:
Sweet & Joce Chicken
Put raw mushrooms and Louis Rich 96% f-t-free chicken cuts in a frying pan.
Add lemon juice, soy sauce, 1/2 a packet of aspartame, potassium salt, coarse ground black pepper, and garlic.
Cook it on medium heat for a bit while you prep the veggies.
Take frozen veggies (brocolli is good; also I have a bag called "Oriental Vegetables"), put in bowl, add a little water, microwave for like 2 minutes, then drain.
Through the chicken/mushrooms/sauce on top of the steamed veggies.
Shrimp with Joce Sauce
(Very similar in taste to Shrimp with Lobster Sauce)
Get frozen tail-off shrimp. Put under running water to defrost.
Steam frozen Cauliflower, Carrots, and Snow Peas, then drain.
Put shrimp and veggies together.
Add I Can't Believe It's Not Butter - Whipped, potassium salt, coarse ground black pepper, and a LOT of garlic.
*Everything I invent has to have my name in the title. It just does, ok?
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| 85.18 |
[27 Jan 2005|04:14am] |
Well, dinner at my parents' Monday night went OK-ish. I ended up oversleeping, so Jess didn't come with me, and by the time I got there they'd eaten all my fish! I had salad, broccoli, fruit, and a small piece of French bread for dinner.
Then I got confused ...
I had sort of been counting on the dinner at my parents' as providing 2/3 of my f-t intake and over 1/3 of my calories for the week. Adding f-t to my diet is SO HARD! So ... I don't know, I figured I should eat some nuts or something to balance myself out. Nuts mixed with butter pecan ice cream, because they're yummilicious that way, and ice cream is at least dairy. There wasn't much left though, so then I inexplicably followed it up with some chocolate cake. Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and had to rush out of the house because my car was blocking my mom from getting to work, and I shoved down some more cake in lieu of brushing my teeth (cake and bread are good at soaking up plaque and sexy smokers' phlegm).
Yeah, so, not great, but I wouldn't count it as a full-fledged binge. I'm making progress at least. In October, November and December, I'd go over to my parents' and end up staying for two days and consume 10,000 calories. This time I ate about 1,800. Progress.
I'm still in perfect shape to make 84 lbs by Feb. 1! And I'm going to have to increase my calories, significantly, by Valentine's Day at the absolute latest. If I keep up this pace, I'll reach my LTG of 75 by mid-March and be in no position to maintain. I need to up my calories gradually so I'll hit 75 in late April/early May and be all set to move into the maintenance phase.
My measurements are down a bit more. I'll report them in a week or two when they no longer embarass me.
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| 85.83 |
[23 Jan 2005|07:16am] |
Ended up eating 590 calories yesterday. Eh, that's ok. Now I've only eaten 260 calories today, and I'm going to bed soon. So of course I'm worrying that I'm not eating ENOUGH, because I have to obsess about everything.
Good nutritional balance today though. I try to get at least 2-3 servings of protein and 3-5 servings of f-t per day. A serving size is 40 calories. Don't ask why; it just is. I never actually get 3-5 servings of f-t of course, but I'm good at meeting my protein quota. I think I average one serving of f-t for non-binge days. Better than last year at least ... then I got maybe one serving of f-t per WEEK not counting binges.
I don't worry much about carbohydrates and fiber because I eat a good amount of those without even trying. Salad, oatmeal, etc. All good carbs.
Jess ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lux_aeturna is maybe coming to dinner at my parents' on Monday night. I don't think we decided either way yet. We're both very indecisive people. Like I said, it'll be tilapia or sole with ICBINB, lemon juice, tomatoes, mushrooms. And I bet my mom'll make a big salad, too. She always says she'll make asparagus but then forgets. I like asparagus ... it's like 4 calories a spear, too.
I told Jess on the phone that Tilapia is 70 cals per filet, but often further research, it's 93 cals per 3.5 oz. Argh, this bothers me every time -- wtf is 3.5 oz? I don't weigh my f--d before eating. Is 3.5 oz. a big filet or a small filet? Sole is 70 cals per 3.5 oz. I don't know which my mom'll make.
There may be bread.
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[22 Jan 2005|02:42pm] |
Argh.
OK, since my sleeping patterns are random, I count calories for one day beginning at midnight and ending 24 hours later. Except I'm a little impatient, so lately I've changed it to 6 p.m. to 6 p.m. These past few days I've been almost nocturnal, going to sleep around 6 a.m. and waking up around 6 in the evening.
This morning I ate all of Saturday's calories, figuring I'd sleep most of today like I've been doing. No! I woke up at 2 p.m. after falling asleep around 8 or 9 a.m. So now I have over 3 hours left in the "day" and no more calories left. I'm up to 565 cals, which isn't bad bad, but it's not good considering all the time I have left.
As you can guess, my sleeping schedule and my definition of when a day begins and ends has made me pretty disoriented. Last night I tried to watch "Saturday Night Live" and was very confused when it wasn't on. It's a good thing I have very few actual obligations, or I'd be fucked.
Yesterday I examined myself naked in the mirror for the first time in almost a week. I was pretty happy with what I saw. My back is loverly, and lux_aeturna needs to take a picture of it.
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| ... rambling ... |
[22 Jan 2005|12:37am] |
I have not had much of an appetite, all "year." The only thing I want is this mix of hot chocolate and instant coffee with a tiny bit of skim smilk and maybe a smidgen of vanilla extract. Very good, and very low-cal, but it has no nutritional value outside of the miniscule amount in the milk.
So I've been trying to eat what I would if I were actually hungry. Usually my body communicates very well with me. For example, if I feel weak and dehydrated, I need potassium. If I'm shaky, I need oatmeal to straighten out my blood sugar. If I'm lethargic, I need protein and also the small amount of f-t I force myself to eat with the protein (like water-packed tuna with a bit of light mayo). I also usually know how often to eat because I'll go from generally hungry to too hungry if I don't eat my mini-meals every few hours. These past few weeks, I've been feeling fine and not very hungry all the time.
Not that I'm complaining or anything, it's just weird, and this apparently is my rambling-about-eating-issues journal.
Today I calculated my weight at 86.05 lbs! Hurrah! 86 has always been the weight I feel ... comfortable at. It's what I'd like to weigh after I "recover." My sternum is popping out again, which makes me very, very happy.
I compared my measurements to the first time I was at 86 lbs (Feb. 2004) and the second time (August 2004). I was working out a lot last winter, so my measurements were a lot smaller then at the same weight. My upper body's maybe a little smaller than it was in August, but my thighs are much, much bigger. I'm sure I've lost tons of muscle this last year. I've become so fucking lazy. On the other hand, in Feb. I was so buff I looked man-ish. Blech.
BTW, I'm not going to add anyone to this journal, because I'm probably not going to have any friends-only entries and I'm just going to read my TheRealSlimJoce friends page.
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